A Reptilian Obsession
by vacant houses
Summary: One-shot. In the beginning, these moments were few and fleeting. In between his many duties, the vague thought would drift that everything would be easier with mutant ninjas. Of course, these things always come with a price.


TMNT= Not Mine

Because when I look at the TMNT FF front page I cannot help but to wonder these things about the characters.

* * *

It had been one year, seven months, two weeks and five days since John Bishop had met the mutant family. It had been an unusual encounter, they were the first foes to ever evade his machinations and then had the nerve to continually interrupt and disrupt his operations. The first true challenges Bishop had ever run up against, the turtles were…fascinating. Their intelligence, their resourcefulness, their combat ability, all so extraordinary and far above what his men could achieve.

There were days when John Bishop wished that the turtles worked for him. In the beginning, these moments were few and fleeting. In between his many duties, the vague thought would drift that everything would be easier with ninjas.

No matter what technology his labs churned out, the combat training he could give his people, the turtles were a level beyond that. If only there was some way, perhaps, to utilise the turtles, but not as they were, reptilian and bestial and non-human. No, Bishop respected their skills and their knowledge but he did not want them as _them_, they were nothing more than mutated animals.

And that had been his first mistake. He should have been content to leave things as they were, keep an eye for the turtles but devote his time and energy elsewhere. But he didn't, instead he wasted manpower attempting to capture his four reptile foes. And every time they escaped, it twisted Bishop's black heart a little more inside, wrapping his neuroses up on the desire to _have those blasted creatures strapped down on a dissection table_ so he could finally take them apart and find out that vital thing that made them so invaluable.

His plans became more ridiculous as his failures grew. He would kidnap human girls and mutate them into horrific creatures with the high hopes that they would be able to lure the turtles in with sheer animal magnetism. Looking back Bishop could not understand why he believed cat girls and wild wolf women would ever be attractive to reptiles. Baxtor Stockman had been absolutely baffled when he'd approached him with his plan. The scientist had gone on to cite the many mechanisms that kept closely related species from breeding together _and why on earth would a turtle ever mate with a human-cat-fox-crocodile hybrid anyway?_ _In fact, why would ANYONE want to be with such a creation?_

When it became increasingly clear that that tactic would not work and the turtles were completely immune to their basal desires (they were, he discovered with a mild sense of being thwarted, in fact asexual), Bishop had decided on a New Plan. If he could not have the turtles themselves, then he would breed his own.

Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, cloning the terrapins was ridiculously problematic. He had DNA and tissue samples of course, taken during the first encounter, but the turtle's DNA was so unique that the host cells that took it up inevitably terminated. Similarly, he had little success with fusing the nuclei from the donor turtle cells into host cells of either regular turtle or human egg cells. The few that survived were rejected by the surrogate mothers.

Evidently, the only way he was going to get a mutant turtle was if he used another mutant turtle to carry the damn things to term. Which brought him back to his original problem of not being able to capture the mutants.

It had gotten to the point that during their last encounter, he'd accidentally blurted out in frustration, "Would you stop escaping? I'm not interested in capturing you anymore. In fact, all I want to do is to breed my own mutants. If you could stay still long enough for me to implant an artificial womb and then gestate a turtle, I'll be on my way and we will never see each other AGAIN."

The turtle he'd been facing at the time was Michelangelo, who had stared coldly at him for a long moment. _"Do not mistake me for Donatello,"_ he said. Then the turtle had done his level best to carve out Bishop's heart from his chest, an impressive feat considering he only used blunt wooden implements as a weapon.

And that…had brought him to this moment and its current problems. Through the creative use of something called a Portal Stick and alternate dimensions, the turtles had somehow managed to procure a mutagen. They then broke into his highly secure facility and ambushed him while he was…resting (John Bishop does not sleep. Ever.)

He'd jolted to awareness from the cold shock of liquid mutagen on his skin. His eyes had snapped open to see Leonardo very firmly place one hand against his own.

"What!" he cried out. "What are you doing here, mutants?"

"It turns them into the last thing they touched, right?" Leonardo asked his brothers, drawing his hand away.

"That should do it Leo," Donatello had affirmed.

Then the mutants stood back and watched as Agent Bishop had clawed helplessly as his body twisted and contorted and _mutated_. He'd seen it happen to so many other creatures but nothing could have prepared himself for _this and it hurt so, so much-_

When it was over, the turtles gathered in front of him.

"We've noticed you have a bit of a problem," Donatello informed him. "Quite frankly, it was my fault for not realising it sooner."

"You're all kinds of obsessed with us," Michelangelo enthused, "And since there's no way we're ever going to let you perform experiments on us and you were never going to be able to breed yourself some mutants, we thought we'd help out."

"All the continuous measurements, tracking down the slightest trace of genetic material, the attempts to capture us," Leonardo continued, "You've become possessed by the idea that you must have a mutant turtle, no matter what."

"So," Raphael gestured at Bishop, "There you are. Agent Bishop, mutant turtle. Problem solved. Now you can leave us the fuck alone."

Donatello squinted curiously at the new mutant. "Strange," he remarked, glancing at the canister of mutagen in his hand. He turned it over and peered at the instructions taped there.

"You-" Bishop spluttered helplessly. There were no words to express the fury that had engulfed his mind, the outrage that the creatures would dare transgress this far-

"Ooh boy," Donatello sighed, "That counterpart of mine took things a little too far."

"What?" Leonardo asked wearily.

"I guess when he heard how desperate Bishop was to breed his own mutants, he decided to help out with that," Donatello lifted a finger and pointed at the man turned turtle. "Bishop is a _female_ mutant turtle."

The five mutants took a moment to slowly digest this information. Then, "Fuck this," Raphael threw his arms up, "I'm going home."

As the ninja turtles slunk out of the room, Donatello turned back to face John Bishop. "By the way," he mentioned casually, "We aren't actually asexual."

Agent Bishop made no further attempts to contact or capture the turtles. In fact, he moved out of the country completely and never, ever made a trip back to New York.

The four mutants congratulated themselves on a job well done, an enemy completely and utterly defeated (demoralized and _terrified _of the very thought of their presence) and continued onwards with their lives.


End file.
